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Miss Congeniality
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Jun 23, 2010 2:46 pm
3798 Views
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I got a call from a debt consolidation place yesterday. Usually I hang up immediately but since I was bored I decided to give the caller false information and act interested. He started with, "hello my name is Mark." Judging by his thick accent I suspect Akbar must translate into Mark when speaking English. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy ethnic men even though this sounds like stereotyping, I do prefer telemarketers to be somewhat fluent in English.) From what I understood he wanted to know about my outstanding debts and that he would be able to cut my payments in half. He asked if I made my payments on-time in the past. Mark also wanted to know how much I owe.
Since I freely give out personal information to strangers on the phone I told him that I "sometimes make my payments on time and owe approximately $50,000 in debt." According to Mark my good credit qualified me for his companys' assistance. Then he kept wanting specifics and I got bored pretty quickly. When I acted like the call was over things got more interesting. Mark told me that he'd be glad to help erase my husbands debt as well as mine. I asked him what he had asked and he repeated it clearly. Then I asked why he thought I would have a husband. He figured most "women my age," (which I never disclosed) are married.
My voice is probably the most masculine attribute I posess and I can't even disguise my voice to sound like a woman on the phone when I try. Haven't been able to pull that off since 6'th grade. He contined to inquire about my husband and I started to get kinda pissed. I told him his question was offensive to me. I asked him if I sounded like a woman. "Yes Maam," he replied. I asked him how many women named Craig he had talked with. It isn't even an ambiguous name. He wasn't sure the number (of men named Craig he had talked with) but said "I am sorry if I offended you Maam." I asked Mark if his supervisor was there because there was clearly a failure to communicate. He did understand my request and quickly put another man with a thick, foreign accent on the line. I told the supervisor that I found the call insulting; I have never even done drag for Gods' sake. I ask the supervisor if I sounded like a woman. "No Sir. I am very sorry but he is new and did not understand you." I asked what there was to understand but the supervisor wasn't sure but assured me that Mark would be disciplined. I wish I could discipline a telemarketer sometime. Anyway the supervisor kinda apologized and handed off the phone.
Then I was asked if I was interested in consolidating my debt. I replied that this was the 3'rd person I had talked to. His reply was, "No Maam, this is Mark. We just talked." I then told Mark that I had better things to do than talk to telemarketers. He responded, "I would think you would have time since you are retired." End of call.
Preston was falling off his chair he found this so funny. Then he asked me for the number the call came from and called them. He told whoever answered that he was angry because their representative had upset his wife. They apologized and asked his wifes' name. "Craig C." Preston replied. This confused the representative. "Your wife's name is Craig? That sounds like a man's name." Then Preston acted offended and asked why they would assume his wife was female. It took several minutes for a clear response of, "I am very sorry we did not mean to insult you or your wife. How can we help you consolidate your debt."
I am giving up my dream of becoming a WalMart greeter and concentrating on becoming a telemarketer. It seems to be a lot more fun. At least I wound up becoming my best friend's wife.
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Fears
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Jun 22, 2010 9:42 am
4694 Views
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I recently heard a morning radio show discussing peoples fears. The unusual fears some of us have. There are common fears, heights, spiders, fear of public speaking for examples, and also other more unusual fears. Some people have a fear of catching a terminal disease and dying a horrible death. Others have fears of ants, snakes, clowns, being alone, and small spaces. Some of the more unusual fears were the most interesting to me. Among them are getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of ones' mouth. Then the lines opened up to the callers. Thee were a couple that just astounded me.
One caller said she won't use an outhouse (generally I avoid, but don't fear outhouses) because of a fear a snake will either bite her ass or enter her body. I had never heard of this fear before. Then a woman called to say she had an overwhelming fear of feet and doesn't go swimming without socks. I am not particularly fond of feet (unless a real hot guy is attached and has a thing for foot-attention) but find that fear to be somewhat extreme. She then stated that her husband "tortures" her by putting his feet on her; finding this funny when she reacts. Another caller said he has a fear of little people: midgets/dwarves to the politically incorrect such as myself. I can't imagine what causes such fears in people but realize I am not without an unusual fear either.
My fear is that I will be on an overpass when a bridge collapses. Like the earthquake-during-the-World-Series bridge collapsing episode. I use an overpass to get to an onramp going home from work. I always seem to miss the light and have to wait. I can feel the bridge vibrating as the traffic on the bridge, and under the bridge seems to cause the bridge motion. I am nervous until the light changes and I am on the onramp. Terrified almost in some cases that I am going to land on the highway underneath me. I am not afraid going under a bridge though. I guess the vibrations trigger this fear.
Do you have any strange fears, or know of anyone with one? I'd enjoy hearing about them. I have a friend that takes his own bedding when travelling, even though he stays in nice places. A pillow I can understand but he takes the whole 9 yards. Even towels. I steal hotel towels so I am glad this is not a fear of mine.
I may have other fears that are more explainable, like a fear of big dogs of the attack variety. Even when people tell me their dog is safe I do not feel that assurance in the company of Rotweilers. But I seem to adjust after being around most dogs. Some really are non-trustworthy though. But I would still prefer to take my chances with a "tame" Boxer than sit on a shaky bridge.
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What's My Line
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Jun 20, 2010 4:31 pm
4096 Views
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I watched THE DEPARTED last night. It is one of my favorite movies and I think it was one of Jack Nicholsons' best performances ever. I have seen the movie at least 4 times now but last night I picked up on a line that may become my mantra. Nicholsons' character, a violent mobster, is passing a citizen in a bar and asks (in a way meant to intimidate and coerce $$$ from the guy), "how's your mother?" The guy responds, "she's on her way out," as if this response will elicit sympathy. Jack's character replies, "we all are. Act accordingly."
I realized the intent of this line was to intimidate. But I couldn't help but think that the line is so applicable. You never know when the last interacton with another will occur. The last chance to express gratitude, respect, admiration or love for that person. Anything is possible. If you don't make that expression it could be the last interaction before you, or the other person passes and you'll never get the chance to express your true feelings again. Never get a last chance to let someone know what they mean to you.
More importantly to me though, it could be the last chance for me to let someone know what an incredibly nasty bastard I think they are. A last chance to express how truly miserable they have made me. What a waste of space they are. A last chance to express my deep disgust from knowing them.
I am so glad I really heard that line and thought about it. I intend to "act accordingly," from here on out. I would hate to die without letting some people know their shit does stink and that they can suck my ass; just not in the good way.
Anybody can say kind things to people they really like. I would rather "act accordingly," toward the pricks that have made me miserable. Then I will die happy.
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BP Offers Solution
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Jun 18, 2010 12:41 pm
3964 Views
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There was great news from BP today. Spokesperson Dr. Val Valene revealed a sure-fire plan to remove the oil from the Gulf. "We have been focussing too much on technology and not enough on good old American ingenuity." Quite a compliment from a British corporation. Valene continued, "many hollywood celebrities have stated they are willing to do whaever is necessary to clean up this mess. Therefore we have enlisted the Jacksons, the Reverend Al Sharpton, the cast of Jersey Shore, Carrot Top and Mo'Nique to take a Gulf vacation. If we can get them into the water their hair should easily absorb most of the problematic oil. Wouldn't we all rather see Carrot Top covered in oil than some innocent pelican? Mo'Niques arm pits and legs will also consume several hundred barrels." Oprah was also quick to step up in this effort. Although her schedule will not allow her to take the plunge with the rest of the celebs; she has donated 2 trunks of her personal hair extensions. Dr. Valene stated that actor Matthew Mcconuaghey had volunteered with the effort but, "there is already too much oil in the Gulf as it is." BP expects this solution to quickly end the problem.
I think the effort/risk will be worth it. I think I would much rather eat tuna than eat Mo'Nique so if she were to become extinct I'd remember her last courageous act, but wouldn't really miss her.
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Rolling Stoned
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Jun 17, 2010 3:40 pm
3950 Views
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I enjoy pot occasionally. I know, what a surprize. I like it because it tends to decrease my inhibitions and makes everything much funnier. There have been several things I have done recently that I attribute to being buzzed. Not that I wouldn't have done them anyway, but the weed is a good excuse. Sure, there have been numerous times I have left the grocery with stuff I had no intention of buying when I entered the store stoned (for instance, last week I went in for a can of tomatoes and left with fish sticks, M&Ms and a package of tortilla shells) but that goes with the territory. One of my more enjoyable pot stories happened 2 weekends ago in a small town outside St. Louis.
I had fired one up and headed for the WalMart near Prestons' when I was visiting him. Warrenton is a town of maybe 1000, give or take. I have never thought of Warrenton as a hotbed of political expression, except for the occasional "Lumpy For Sheriff" yard sign. I am not much on politics myself and try to avoid them. Then, standing on an island at the main intersection were a group of Teabaggers. I have no political agenda but kinda assume most Teabaggers are somewhat conservative. I hatched my plan as I shopped at WalMart and was glad to see the group still there as I was ready to get on the onramp at the light.
There was one guy in the group with an oily combover who looked like he was around 40. I waited until I knew the light was ready to change because I did not want to be a sitting duck. Then I rolled down my window and yelled, "Why haven't you called me Baby? I really miss you." The other Baggers looked at him very suspiciously and he looked at me like "WTF." Then I yelled, "you didn't act like you don't know me at the Motel 8 last week." The light changed in the nick of time as he stepped toward my car with his sign, on which he had written something about facism. His friends were laughing but he was not. I quickly got onto the onramp and laughed all the way back to Prestons'.
I also made another discovery last week when I combined pot and a few cocktails. You can try this at home, but I suggest you have a drink or two first. I found that it is possible To sing HARPER VALLEY PTA to the tune of ODE TO BILLIE JOE. But, you cannot sing ODE to the tune of HAPER VALLEY.
Stoned and stupid... That's how I roll.
I need to fire one up now. I just saw some Mormons on their bikes.
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Rue'd
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Jun 16, 2010 1:12 pm
3941 Views
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When Rue McClanahan recently passed I didn't see any blogs about her. Not that there were none, I just must have missed them. Her portrayal of Blanche on Golden Girls is one of my all time favorites. I know that when she won the Emmy it was one of the few times I was genuinely sure the voters got it right. Since I seldom write seriously about someone after their death I will not do so now. I also seldom post jokes because unless they are unusually funny and/or new. I prefer to write original shit. But today I make an exception. I saw a clip of a conversation between Rue and Betty White that was filmed when they were shooting a scene. Rue was telling the joke, very quietly and under her breath, between takes. Although it is a variation of a joke that has had many incarnations I enjoyed it so much because I would have never expected for McClanahan to be telling it. This is the joke, paraphrased.
A man decided to become a farmer and bought a place in a small town. There were no other residents within miles, and there were no females within 200 miles. (The farmer was a breeder.) The man who sold him the farm threw in a pig and a dog, which was very protective of not only the farm but also the pig. The seller told the farmer that since there were no women available the last owner found the pig to be pretty and when needed he would have sex with the swine. The farmer thanked him, then assured him that he would not be that desperate. As the months passed the farmer found the pig to be looking prettier and prettier. When he was to the point he'd have fucked just about anything he made a move on the pig. The dog did not allow this and the farmer, not wanting to be attacked by the dog gave up. Every time the farmer made advances on the pig the dog would become protective of his farm pal and chase the farmer off.
One day a car broke down in front of the farm. Inside the car was the most beautiful woman the farmer had ever seen. He told the woman she was welcome to stay but that it might take a week or more to get the parts necessary to repair the car. The woman was very grateful, as well as very curvaceous. She told the farmer that she would be willing to "do nything you'd like me to do to repay your generosity." It took no time at all for the farmer to tell the woman what she could do to repay him. He told her, "I know it doesn't sound like much but if you could take the dog for a walk and entertain him for an hour or so I'd really appreciate it."
I really liked Rue. So much so in fact that in this blog I will not even mention her late co-stars' gigantic penis.
RIP Rue.
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Criminal Attraction
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Jun 14, 2010 3:37 pm
4029 Views
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This blog is similar to one I wrote a couple years ago. It is inspired by Joran Van der Sloot. I have a tendency to look at pictures of men arrested for crimes, sex criminals are my favorites, and decide if I would do them not knowing their history. The latest in a long line of do-able felons is Joran Van der Sloot. He reminds me of a cross between Justin Timberlake and Ryan Philippe. But he also has a dangerous vibe about him which I find attractive. There have been various criminals in the past I'd have done not knowing their history. Now I can add Joran to my list. He is at least as hot as Ted Bundy and likes to party more than Ted did.
Recent local criminals I would have done (not knowing their background) include a man arrested for killing his wife and 2 children, a local high school music teacher who had inappropriate relations with students, and an embezzler. The embezzler seems the safer choice but in reality I'd have put the murderer at the top of my based-on-appearance list. I would think that even if I would meet these guys there would be few hints that they were prone to crime. And I guess the sad reality is if I am going to be killed by some crazed guy I would just as soon have sex with him first.
Do any of you do this? Do you look at arrestees and consider their bedability? I admit that I look at most pictures in the paper and magazines and evaluate the sexual potential of the person in the photo; criminal, non-criminal or celebrity. My favorite criminal crush would have to be Joran. I wish I'd had the chance to be Van der Slooted, in a non-lethal way of course, before all this mess. Maybe I should count my blessings and stick with petty criminals that will only take my billfold.
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Circus Sex
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Jun 13, 2010 9:55 am
3015 Views
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Last night I realized that I have had a number of circus performer sex partners. It never dawned on me before that my attraction to the carnies is a manifestation of my true desire to make it with circus pros. How else can I explain some of the past partners I have had. You have probably had a few yourself from time to time. This is my list.
The sword swallower is high on my list of favorite performers. They valiantly allow you to put your sword down their throat. The best swordsmen never let your blade meet their teeth even when you are stabbing their throat. One of my favorite acts, and maybe one of yours too.
The snake charmer is similar to the sword swallower but tends to be, well, more charming. They like to pet, fondle, caress, kiss, and eventually drain your snake of venom. A service provider extrodinaire.
Then there are the more unique performers. Specialists. Some are amateur specialists, yet they specialize none the less. Some of the more unpolished specialists I have encountered have been the bearded women. Men in panties and bras that look like bearded women. Bearded women football players, but still bearded women. Okay, they look like men dressed as women that have put little effort into the illusionary pleasure, but focus on the physical. Most times I have encountered the bearded woman it has been a surprize. I admit that my favorite bearded woman didn't actually have a beard. He just looked like a man in pink panties. But I always say everyones underwear is the same color in the dark.
One of the most intense circus relationships I have had was with a lion tamer. Oh how he used his whip. Totally in control and making me want to be obiedient. My lion tamer wore leather chaps, a vest, and boots. He trained me for hours, initially finding the need to restrain me; to keep me in my subservient place. The lion tamer, if he is good, will wear you out. And I do like being worn occasionally.
The tight rope walkers are a fun group, except that as soon as the act is over they disappear. I have found most walkers to be married. They focus on their act and then remove themselves from the spotlight. A quickie circus act but one of my all time favorites. Nut and go.
And the acrobats... Oh my God, the acrobats. They do things with their bodies (and yours) that make you go, "OHHHHHHHHH." Contortions are quite erotic and inherently hot. They are good with their hands, agile, and willing to demonstrate various positions.
Magicians can be fun too. They are able to use their illusionary gift to convince you 4 = 8. Sleight of hand is also an advantage in bed. Just be careful: magicians are known for making your wallet disappear.
The most fun in the sack though are the clowns. I know there are bad clowns, but the good ones make up for it. They keep it fun and not serious. A laughing fuck is a good fuck, I always say. Clowns are very energetic and use their props very well. When they pull a bouquet from my ass it always puts a smile on my face. Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown.
I could probably go on but THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH is on AMC and I never miss it. Have you had fun under the big top? Which performer is your favorite? I am hoping to find a snake charming clown.
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Warning Labels
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Jun 11, 2010 12:56 pm
3311 Views
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I have often expressed my opinion that people are basically stupid. Myself included most times. I was very happy to find an article that verifies this assertion. It listed several warning labels which received acknowledgement from the group Michigan Lawsuit Abuse, as the stupidest warnings of the year(s). Among them:
Item- Toilet-bowl brush... Warning: Do not use orally
Item- Snowblower... Warning: Do not use snowthrower on roof
Item- Dishwasher... Warning: Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher
Item- CD player... Warning: Do not use the disc as a projectile in a catapult
Item- Fireplace log... Warning: Caution-risk of fire
Item- Birthday candles... Warning: Do not use the soft wax for earplugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity
Item- Electric router... Warning: This product is not intended for use as a dental drill
Item- Collapsible baby stroller... Warning: Remove child before folding
Item- Sleeping pills... Warning: May cause drowsiness
Item- Public toilet- Warning: Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking
Item- Chain saw... Warning: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands
Item-Underarm deodorant can... Warning: Do not spray in eyes
Item- Laser-printer toner...Warning: Do NOT eat toner
Item- Hair dryer... Warning: never use hair dryer while sleeping
Item- 13-inch-wheel wheelbarrow... Warning: Not intended for highway use
Item- Cardboard sunshield for car... Warning: Do not drive with sunshield in place
Item- Automotive air conditioner recycling machine... Warning: Suffocation may cause death
Item- Window air conditioner... Warning: Do not allow air conditioner to fall out of window
Item- Bathroom heater... Warning: Not to be used in bahrooms
Item- television-set manuel... Warning: Do not puor liquids into your tv set
Item: TV remote control... Warning: Not dishwasher safe
Item- Electric thermometer... Warning: Do not use orally after using rectally
And my favorite:
Item- Iron... Warning: Never iron clothes when they are being worn.
I can't believe people need most of these kind of warnings but I am kinda glad I saw the list. I guess I will save a lot of effort this winter when I don't have to snowblow the roof. I am also glad to find out that suffocation may cause death. Maybe bananas need to be labelled "peel before eating."
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St. LouiZ, With A Z
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Jun 8, 2010 12:26 pm
2616 Views
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Last Friday I was watching TV when the phone rang. "Chippy poop asshole. 2 tonight." It was Liza. I was wondering when she'd call. She was in town for a week to rehearse for her gig with the St. Louis Symphony this past Saturday. I knew the message meant to meet her at the Chase Park Plaza Hotel at 2 am. LiZa knows that I feel indebted to her since she befriended and helped me out monetarily in the 70's. The Chase was at one time THE PLACE the stars stayed in St. Louis. And LiZa always stayed there when she came to town with Sammy and Dean, sometimes Frank. The Chase staff all knew Liza. She would enlist their aid in bringing local lesbians to her room at night - the worst kept secret in showbiz (also with a Z). I had seen the article in the Post about her visit. The picture with the article was as flattering as possible; LiZa in a silver, puffy-armed top with one shoulder exposed. Instead of her feathered boa she was wearing a stylish, shiny silver model. Actually, and please don't tell her I said this, she looked like a silver sack of potatoes. The article said she is 64 (such kind journalists in St. LouiZ) and was here because she loves Powell Hall. In adition to her favorite American standards LiZa was to perform songs from her upcoming CD, "Confessions." My favorite, from the new CD, is titled, "You Fascinate Me So." The song is a celebration of transexual penile implants. Anyway, I arrived at 2:15. LiZa was half lit and all party when I arrived.
LiZa wanted to get "some of that fish action asap. Poppa's got an itch for snatch." We went to a local lesbian bar but they closed at 3 so there wasn't much time to hook LiZa up. Luckily we met a really drunken lipstick lesbo puking in the alley. It was love at first sniff for LiZa. The woman, whose name we never got, was more than happy to come back to the Chase. She promplty vomitted on LiZa's bed as soon as we arrived. "She's just like a young LiZ Taylor," LiZa remarked. As drunk as she was young Liz was surpriZingly adept at providing oral to older hags. LiZa was in heaven. When we woke up the next morning LiZa discovered that young LiZ had made off with her credit cards, scotch, and her yellow feathered boa (LiZa called the boa her "muff duster.") She took the news of the theft surpriZingly well, saying, "I've paid more for pussy. Not a bad deal." LiZa said she needed to rehearse but to come back and get her on Thursday. She had a plan.
On Thursday LiZa told me that she wanted to, "go with you and Preston to karaoke." I had told her of my recent karaoke adventures, and that Preston will do whatever is necessary to have a good time, so Liza enlisted us to accompany her to the WentZville Applebees. "I want to see the reaction when I perform some hip, modern tunes," LiZa told us. It was somewhat embarassing when LiZa took over the mic, only to be warned by the manager that she "doesn't own the stage." He didn't even recognize her. This was an outrage. They made her take turns, which LiZa does not like to do. For her first (and only as it turned out) number she had me and Preston do the background vocals to "Let's Get It Started." Our part required us to yell "HAH," after hearing, "let's get it started." Never did I suspect what I saw next. LiZa, always a show stopper, decided to turn a one-armed cartwheel like Fergie did on Idol last year. She took out two tables, three barstools a barback and the hostess when she landed in the crowd. The DJ, who was a 30something overweight white guy calling himself C-Dogg, seemed upset that the mic was a landing casuality. LiZa was most embarassed that she landed in such a way her colostomy bag was punctured by the microphone. Even though we were asked to leave we were going anyway as the stench was overwhelming. Luckily Applebees is in WalMarts parking lot so we bought some cinch sacks which we wrapped LiZa in to return to Preston's house. We hosed her in the yard before letting her enter. She seemed to enjoy the hosing.
LiZa told us her plans for the next year as she sat pounding her inflamed labia. "Poppa and GaGa," LiZa said. Yes, the Post article was true. LiZa wants to record with GaGa. Even though I suspect she is just looking for a GaGa castoff homosexual beard to marry, Liza says she is fascinated by Lady G and thinks "that would be funny." After scolding me for not seeing her in "Sex In The City 2," LiZa seemed to sober up and we returned her to the Chase.
LiZa seems to be slowing down and I am glad. Oh the places she has been. I am glad I got to go to some of those places with her. Now I just want to live vicariously through her. But I did promise to see the movie. LiZa doing "Single Ladies," is probably worth the price of admission by itself.
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