|
God I love cocks!
|
Dec 18, 2005 5:18 am
1878 Views
|
Big ones, little ones, thick, thin, cut, uncut, white, black, brown and all shades in between.
Cocks that are straight or curved, big giant mushroom cap type heads or well formed, smaller, spear like pointers. Hairy ones, smooth ones. Soft and hard.
I love them all.
I've been fortunate enough now, over the past year, to have sucked on many many cocks. I've made love to them, played with them, teased them, pounded them, engulfed them, and totally indulged my never ending and insatiable lust for them.
I spent the better part of 40 years being curious about them. Longing to feel and touch them. To lick and suck and stroke them. To just see them up close and personal  Well, I've succeeded. No doubt.
Through it all, as I've stated here many times, my number one turn on is still the initial act of slowly unbuttoning a guys pants. Slowly pulling his zipper down. Knowing whats just behind that thin piece of fabric, waiting to get free. I love reaching in and pulling my new loves cock out. The anticipation drives me wild with a primordial type of lust. I just love it when my lovers cock is soft at first. The feeling of taking that cock into my mouth and feeling it grow and get harder and harder until it turns into that 'velvet steel'. (Great name for a gay band btw)
The feeling of it throbbing inside of me. The sounds that my lover makes as I slowly engulf his cock all the way. The feeling of it slowly sliding down my throat. The first couple of drops of pre-cum that are oh so sweet. Magnificent!!!
Then passion takes over and I become a cocksucking machine. I love it so much! It's something that I yearned for all my life and at this point, I can't get enough.
I love exploring every inch of my lovers cock and balls with my tongue. Slowly, gingerly, sucking each one of his balls into my mouth and back out again. Slowly tracing the many veins of his shaft with my tongue. Using my mustache to tickle the sensitive area underneith the head. Using my tongue to explore the little hole at the tip of his cock.
I'm a VERY oral guy and I certainly don't stop my exploration at only a guys cock. I love to run my tongue slowly up his belly, around his navel, up to his chest and around his nipples. Slowly flicking each one and tracing circles around them. Pulling them into my mouth and sucking on them and nibbling on them. Then up to his neck and finally, his lips. A deep, smoldering, passionate kiss. Sucking on his tongue, tasting his essence.
Then slowly working my way back down to his cock and doing it all over again. Letting my tongue go where ever it wants. Down his inner thigh, behind his need. Down his calf to his feet. Licking the soles of his feet then back up again.
Tracing the curve between his glorious butt checks and the back of his leg. Pulling his cock backward between his legs and slowly sucking on the head.
God I love it. Truly!!
You know, over the years I always was a bit self-concious about my own cock. I always thought that I had a very small dick. The one thing I have learned via my quest is that I don't have a small dick. Actually, I'm pretty average if not a little larger than that.. That has really helped my self-esteem and I'm thankful for it.
Of course, I've always LOVED my own cock. Big or small, it's my best friend. It's always there for me, never lets me down, is the source of sooooo many good times and fantastic feelings. I just love feeling it in my hand. Soft at first then hard. That feeling of 'velvet steel' as I stroke it, slowly at first than faster. The feeling you get just before you cum. The tingling that runs up your legs and through your balls. The throbbing. The feeling of cum shooting up from your balls, through the shaft and finally exploding out. Amazing! Who ever invented these things should get some kind of life-time award
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
The Dirty Jobs... What was yours?
|
Dec 14, 2005 7:08 am
1825 Views
|
OK, I have to admit, I got this idea from a blog on another site. But what the heck.
What was the dirtiest job YOU'VE ever done?
For me it's an easy question. When I lived in Israel, the Kibbutz I was on had a huge commercial chicken operation. Being the observant guy that I am, I noticed that all of the Danish woman who where on the Kibbutz not only worked in the chicken coops but they typically wore nothing but a white smock. Nothing on underneath. Curiosity got the better of me so one day, I volunteered.
Now these chicken coops were HUGE. There were 10's of thousands of chickens all in neat little multi-level rows with the roosters in bigger cages around the outside of the coop.
I reported for work, was issued a white smock, just like the Danish girls wore and we all went into the building.
The head of the coop, a guy by the name of Doobie (No lie cam out pushing this little cart. On top of the cart was what looked like an overturned bucket with out a bottom. Along with the bucket were little glass vials. Doobie put on this very heavy, long glove and walked over to one of the rooster cages. These roosters were HUGE and VERY mean looking critters. He opened the cage, grabbed a rooster, stuck it head down in the bucket, lifted it's tail and proceeded to jack the rooster off.
The rooster came and Doobie collected the semen in one of the little vials. This went on until he had filled all the vials.
What I found out was that they were conducting a breeding program that was trying to grow the smallest possible chicken that laid a normal sized egg. Smaller chickens eat less feed thus reducing costs but still producing the same sized eggs. Go figure huh?
Anyway, he then passed these little vials filled with sperm out to the various Danish girls and I was paired up with Annie.
My job was to open the cage, grab the hen, turn her around, lift her tail and hold her. Annie would take a little blunt syringe, fill it with sperm from the vial and artificially inseminate the chicken.
Well, when you stick a syringe up a chickens backside it's first response is to shoot back a solid stream of chicken shit and piss. This stream would invariably land right on Annie and her white smock. Hence the reason they wore these white smocks with nothing underneath. Mystery solved
By the time we had finished inseminating literally hundreds of chickens, we were both completely covered in the most god awful smelling chicken crap you've ever seen.
That was the dirtiest job I've ever done.
oh, btw, once we were done, we ALL stripped off the smocks and jumped into the shower together. There was a method to my madness after all huh?
What was your 'dirtiest job' ??
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
Where have all the Asian guys gone? (Quest update)
|
Dec 13, 2005 6:07 am
2154 Views
|
For those of you who have followed my blog, this is an 'offical' Quest update
For those of you who haven't, please read my first couple of posts.
Over the past year I have succeeded in fullfilling all of the items on my list except for two. The remaining two are:
I want to have a giant cum-fest. I want to be in a room with 10-15 guys and I want to suck them all off. (Who doesn't right?) Just cover me in cum and consider me done
This WILL become a reality in the near future. I now have enough friends to make it happen, easily. Scheduling everyone is the only remaining hurdle but hey, I'm highly motivated....
That leaves me with the last item.
As part of my quest, I wanted to experience virtually every kind of man there is. White, Black, Hispanic, Asian, TS/TG, big, small, cut, uncut etc etc etc.
I have succeeded in doing all EXCEPT being with an Asian.
I cannot believe that there are no gay or bisexual Asian men anywhere around the Indianapolis area. Even someone passing through town?. Come on guys!! There's got to be someone out there?
If your Asian and your anywhere near Indy, send me an email or a wink or a smoke signal or something. I promise, you will NOT be disappointed.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Wonderful Trannies !!!
|
Dec 12, 2005 7:05 am
1661 Views
|
Good morning to all my fellow bloggers and sex hounds. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend... I know I did....
I was lucky enough to be able to spend a fantastic few hours making love to a gorgeous tranny Sunday morning.
Now, I've been with a few trannies over the course of the past year but with every new encounter, I learn something new. I find new reasons to truly enjoy, love and cherish those transexuals among us. Being privledged enough to be with a tranny is just so special to me, I almost cannot put it into words.
I do identify myself as being bisexual and having the opportunity to be with a gorgeous and very passable tranny is, for me at least, a dream come true and really, the best of all worlds.
I get to enjoy the things I love about being with a woman AND I get to have fun with a big ol; Mr Winkie Can life get ANY better?
'Lisa' and I met on OP, traded emails, pics and have spent a great deal of time chatting on line. All the normal pre-meeting rituals etc.
'Lisa' lives around 40-50 miles away from me in a small town in Indiana. (Is there any other kind?) so scheduling had proved to be a bit difficult.
Well, the moon and the stars finally aligned perfectly this past Sunday. I drove out to her place in the early morning, through the snow, sleet and freezing rain. Note: I will do just about ANYTHING for love, especially with a gorgeous tranny... Even risk life and limb
I get to 'Lisa's place, knock on the door and I am greeted by the most gorgeous looking brunette you've ever seen. She's dressed in a tight white top and a short mini skirt both of which show off her fantastic shape to perfection. She has fantastic legs encased in white hose and a pair of knee high leather boots with high heels. She's GORGEOUS! Her long bruneete hair frames her pretty face perfectly. She invites me in. My cock is already standing at attention before I even get in the door. (SHWING!)
I'm NOT going to go into major details about what we did (Sorry for all you horn dogs out here) but suffice it to say, we spent the next 4-5 hours making mad passionate love in virtually every conceivable way, form and fashion. She was just fantastic. (I wasn't too bad myself
We both ended up fully spent in each others arms, completely and totally exhausted and at one with each other both physically and mentally.
Afterglow is a term that I use for these moments and we were both just a'glowing afterward
Anyway, the point of this post is this. I've now spent a considerable amount of time with a number of trannies and I have some observations and comments to make: (You knew this was coming right?)
1) Trannies, on the whole, are the sweetest most lovable, tender, sexiest and greatest partners there are around. I just love them.
2) Almost every single tranny I've ever been with and/or have talked and chatted with as told me that they all feel that gay men do not like them. At all! They say they get harrassed on sites like OP and that in general, there seems to be a lot of venom and bile spewed their way by gay men.
I've seen some of this myself first hand here on OP and on other sites I frequent.
Why is this guys? It's funny, almost every tranny that I've talked to, says that lesbians accept and embrace them whole heartedly but when it comes to gay men, they feel mostly rejection and sometimes, outright hatred.
Why is this? Do gay guys feel threatened by them or something? Any comments here? I'm very curious about this and want to see some honest discussion on this topic.
3) Almost every single tranny I've been with and/or talked to has told me stories of them being physically and/or emotionally abused. Not only buy str8s but by gay guys.
This is NOT right guys!!!
Trannies are some of the most vulnerable among us. Not only are they not accepted by gay men, they are preyed upon by straights, abused physically and mentally and to top it all off, society and the government in general, treat them even worse then gays and lesbians are treated. They have NO rights or societal acceptance period. End of story.
Once again, this is NOT right. The gay community needs to embrace trannies and we need to help protect them, not abuse them. Not vilify them. Not ostracize them. What in the world are people thinking???
4) Most trannies have, at one point in there lives or another, struggled internally with their sexual identity (Duh. Gays struggle with this also but when it comes to trannies, they not only have to figure out if and why they are attracted to men or woman, they also have to also figure out if the ARE a man or a woman. To my way of thinking, this makes things 'double-tough' on them.
The trannies that I've talked to tell me that this internal struggle manifests itself in many different ways. A lot try to go to the far end of the 'macho' spectrum in a attempt to 'prove' that they are men
'Lisa' kind of falls into this catagory. She is VERY feme and passable but guys, she's also a decorated Airborne Ranger and a Sniper. She was in Panama and won at least 2 Purple Hearts.
Surprise!!!
Jumping out of planes/helicopters while under fire and shooting people dead in the dark of night strikes me as being a bit masculine. How about you? You DON'T see a lot of woman doing these things now do you? 'Lisa' was very open and honest about it. She WAS out to prove that she was a 'man'. Luckily, she surviced it and she's over all that now. She's very comfortable with who and what she is.
5) I see an inordinate number of trannies on various sites who bill themselves as 'Sex Slaves'. My thoughts here are a) I HATE the notion that ANYONE would have to be or even WANTS to be a 'Sex Slave'. I do understand that there are folks out there who are truly subs and this is how they choose to live. I don't understand it, but I guess, I can accept that b) I DO think that in many cases, this is a behavior born from the overwhelming need that most trannies feel to find acceptance, both internal and external.
I've met a few trannies who are completely and totally at ease with themselves and those around them. (Not many mind you) But even these precious few went through HELL to get there. Abuse, in some cases, near death. Not to mention complete and total rejection from EVERYBODY.. You name it.
Man, I can't even begin to understand the inner strength, the internal need and desire or longing that drives these people. I cannot even fathom what is required to overcome all that is thrown at these wonderful, kind, gentle and beautiful folks. They really astound me in all ways.
6) If I were single, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would be searching for a transexual as a life-long partner. No doubt what so ever. For me, as I've said many many times, this would be the best of all worlds. (I would have my cake and get to eat it also
To find beautiful tranny, who has been through everything I've outlined above and who is still capable of smiling and trusting.... Man, what kind of human being is that??? Damn near a saint if you ask me
Anyway, there's some food for thought here no doubt.
Please, try to see trannies in a good way. They should not be ostracized and hated by us. They don't threaten anyone. T
hey are peaple, just like the rest of us. Treat them well and understand the special challenges that they face and what they have had to endure.
Embrace them as brothers AND sisters, love, cherish and help to keep them safe... They deserve it.
As always, your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
My Quest (1st Year Summary/Update)
|
Dec 8, 2005 7:00 am
1828 Views
|
Well guys, it's now been year since I started my quest and I thought it was time to review, look back and see what all I've learned. I'm also going to look forward a bit here and see what I can come up with for next year.
For those of you who haven't followed my blogs, my quest has been an exploration of my bisexual (gay) side. I'm a 47 years old, married professional guy who, like a lot of guys out here, had been curious my entire life about guys. I finally made the decision a year ago to find out, to explore and to see what and where it led, to find out if my fantasies were just that or if there was something else going on.
I had originally drawn up a list of everything I wanted to do and to try. So far, I've accomplished about 99% of that list.
For those who love statistics, I've officially been with the following:
Total number of men - 42 (That's different guys, I've been with a number of them more than once
Racial break down - Approx 20% African-American, 60% White, 15% Hispanic, 5% TS/TG (No Asians yet.. Damnit!!)
Number of 3-ways = 5
Number of 4-ways = 1
(I still have NOT fullfilled one of my main fantasies: I want to be in a room full of guys/cocks (10-15) and I want to suck them ALL off.
Cut vs uncut = Approx 95% to 5%. Actually, now that I think of it, out of the 42 guys, I've been with 3 that were uncut so that's more like 7%
Biggest dick (Who really cares huh?) = Approx 13"
Smallest dick (Like I said, who really cares) = Approx 2" He was uncut also. Nice guy, I do feel kind of sorry for him though.. We did have a good time...
Places FOR sexual encounters - 90% no-tell motel, 8% persons home, 2% car/truck (While I did enjoy them, just from the thrill of possibly being caught, cars/trucks are NOT my favorite place. I would much rather have privacy and time to do things right
Out of the 42 guys, 3 were incapable of getting it up. Bummer....
Out of the 42 guys, 45% have been or were actively taking some form of male potency drug (Cialis or Viagra) I don't btw...
Out of the 42, 1 guy was heavily into poppers. No thanks... Not for me guys.
Number of bondage sessions - 2. (Both were incredible experiences and I plan on doing more of them
Number of times in a MMF 3-way - 0 (Big fat fucking zero. Damnit!)
Number of times I bottomed - 1 (Kind of. One of my main partners tried sticking his cock up my ass. Unfortunatly (well not really he has a major thick dick. The exprience, for me at least, was very uncomfortable and not that pleasurable so we stopped... We're going to try this again sometime. Hopefully, the next time, we'll give the ol' Tazzermans ass a bit more preparation BEFORE we try wedging that thing up there
Number of times I topped - 12
Number of times I topped and got shit on = 1 (If you followed my blogs you know what I'm talking about
Number of times I've eaten cum - 1/2 (Kind of. I did suck on one guys cock AFTER he came. I licked off some of his cum and truly enjoyed it)
Ok, so there are the stats. (Yes I know, I'm anal retentive. I'm a computer geek afterall
What have I learned:
I LOVE to suck cock and I'm really really really good at it.
I LOVE to deep throat and can take a 13" cock all the way without any problem.
I'm pretty much a top.
Guys are funnier than hell. They are also cute and sexy and much much MUCH more gentle and loving than we ever get credit for.
Guys LOVE to get their cocks sucked. (Of course we ALL know that)
Having someone stick a very thick dick up your ass is not something you should try without warming up a bit first
Being tied down to a bed spread eagle by a master bondage expert and teased and toyed with and brought to the edge of orgasim time and time and time again can be one MAJOR sexual experience.
3 and 4 ways are VERY fun as long as you have the right guys. Sometimes, getting a hard on in such a situation can be difficult for ALL involved.
I consider myself bisexual (Yes, I love BOTH men and women) not gay, not hetro. I'm both.
OP is the best place on the net. I love all my friends out here, I read all your blogs and I truly appreciate all those that comment on mine and try to help me and provide advice and feedback. Especially in regards to the "Monkey"
You guys ROCK very very much!!!!
So, what's next you might ask. Well, here's the list for 2006:
I want to be with an Asian. Big TIME. Any Asians in the Indy area, PLEASE contact me. I'm yours.
I still want to have that big group suck off. 10-15 guys at least. I want to be on my knees and sucking constantly. I figure that I can handle 3 guys at a time (one in my mouth, 1 in each hand)and I want everyone of them to cum all over me. I'm your slut...
I want to be in a MMF 3-way. I want to eat the girls pussy WHILE the other guy is fucking her. I want to pull his cock out and suck on it. I want I want I want The possiblities are endless.
I want to continue meeting new and interesting guys with hard cocks who enjoy passionate, loving, mind blowing sex. I'm open to all cummers..
Of course, I want to continue to see the 'usual suspects'.. You guys know who you are. You guys are the best and have helped me in my exploration so much. I love ya all, big and small. I'm also counting on all of you to help with my giant gang suck off.
I want to bottom in a big way. I'm going to be concentrating on this in 2006
I also want to learn to enjoy eating cum. That's another goal for 2006. I want to become a cum sucking cocksucker
Oh and one other thing, 2006 will be the year that I finally come to grips with the Monkey. One way or the other, that furry little fucker is going to be toast. I know all of you out here will help me and be there for me and I truly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.
Here's to a ROCKIN 2006.. Keep your dick hard and your cum sweet..
-tm
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Blog activity seems to have increased A LOT!
|
Dec 7, 2005 6:26 am
1623 Views
|
|
Fellow bloggers, is it me or has the blog activity here on OP increased A LOT??? It's could to see and I certainly welcome all the new folks and the older/returnees.. Now, if I can just find the time to keep up with everyone
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
What is God?
|
Dec 5, 2005 6:38 am
1476 Views
|
This is a question that I have thought about, studied, anguished over, debated, discussed and argued over many many many times with many different people of many different religions and backgrounds in many different settings and places in my lifetime.
Do I have the answer?? No. But I do have a concept/idea of what God is.
For me, there is no God. Period. At least, not in the way that we all typically think of God.
I'm a firm believer that we are all 'Worm Food' Every one of us. We are destined to lie in dirt. There's no way around that. The physical body will die. But what of the soul? That specific energy or life force that makes us, us?
What happens to it when we die? Furthermore, where does it come from to begin with when we are born? Is EVERY soul unique? Do other living creatures such as animals and even plants and bacteria etc have souls?
My concept is rather simple and it's based somewhat on Albert Einstein view of the soul.
I imagine a 'pool' of life energy that we ALL share from. When a living creature is born, that creature is given a small piece of the pool. When that creature dies, the life energy is returned to the pool to be 'recycled' if you will.
I don't know if this 'pool' is a finite thing or an ever growing/increasing entity but for me, this 'pool' IS God.
Believing that there is such a thing means a number of things. It means that we ALL, every living thing in the universe, shares much more with each other than we really want to think. The common pool is charged with ALL of our communal life experiences, good and bad.
The life force that was inside of Hitler is now mingled with ever one else's, so is the life force that was Gandhi. We all drink from the same well so to speak.
We are ALL brothers and sisters in this regard and we carry with us a piece of all that ever was and all that ever will be. Each and everyone of us.
In my concept, our goal should be to give back that life force/energy to the pool better than how we received it. We should always strive to improve our 'souls' so that when it's returned, it can add to the common GOOD instead of the common bad.
Note, most, if not ALL of the major religions on this planet touch on these concepts. It's something that we all share. The notion of reincarnation is embodied in Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.
Instead of looking outward for God, look inward and know that we ALL are one.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Shit!
|
Dec 2, 2005 4:15 pm
1648 Views
|
Ok, this is something I've NEVER seen discussed here on OP.
I was with a guy today, we were making love. Real hot, passionate, monkey love type sex. Very nice cock, great kisser. I was sucking for all I was worth. Had at times two or three fingers up his delicious ass.
I finally doned a rubber and slid my cock inside of him. Wonderful. From the side, back/rear, front etc we were having a good ol time. All of the sudden, out of the blue and just as I was cumming, the man shit all over me..
YUCK!!!
Now, don't get me wrong here. He was WAAAY more embarrased than I was grossed out. I did all I could to calm him and reassure him that it was alright.
He had even 'cleaned' himself out late last night in prep for our fucking.
VERY nice guy, I think he's the greatest and told him so.
After we both got cleaned up I ended up blowing/sucking him off.
Now, after all that here are my questions:
Have any of you experienced this before?
I'm sure it happens, doesn't it?? (It was the first time for me) Now, I've pulled my pud out of an ass before and had shit on it but NOTHING like this. (I was covered) Thank god we had a shower two steps away. The smell almost made me puke. (Not a good way to start a relationship)
Is this something we ALL don't talk about? Why?
This has to be a reality that some if not all of us face isn't it?
Did I plug him to hard/deep?
Anyway, just asking. We ended on a very good note. I CERTAINLY don't hold it against him in any way. I was/am very interested in beeing with him again. (Cute little sucker
Your thoughts/comments are greatly appreciated as always.
-tm
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
The Monkey (Part II)
|
Nov 30, 2005 8:14 am
1640 Views
|
(For those of you who have followed this blog and provided such wonderful comments and insights, I thank you from the bottom of my heart)
Well, yesterday was another therapy session. (I'm pretty much scheduled on a every 3 week basis).
I had forwarded my original 'Monkey' blog along with some of your comments to my counselor and she was VERY amazed. Both by my blog and by your comments.
She was also very happy that I was open enough to share/write the blog to begin with and said that it took a lot of guts to do. I'm not so sure about that part of it, but it was kind of cathartic to write it down.
We discussed some of the comments and she was amazed at the insightful and heartfelt nature.
First off, NO I did not come out to her this time. I will though. I need to understand my quest more throughly and to see if there is a connection back to the Monkey. I don't see it myself but hey, I'm willing to explore it.
In my last blog I really glossed over the influence that my Step Father had, not only on me but also on my sister and mother. (We'll refer to him from now on as MF) Yesterday, my counselor and I got to talking about it in more detail. She knows pieces and parts of my overall story and I spent some time yesterday filling in some gaps. We both kind of came to the conclusion that MAYBE, the Monkey is there more so because of MF then the actual death of my father. This is something that we plan on exploring in more detail. I figured I'd start right here
Some background, for those of you who are new to this. My father died suddenly when I was 3-months old. He left behind your truly, my 8 year old sister, my mother and his business. My mother eventually remarried when I was four and we moved to Indianapolis (From El Paso TX)
MF had two kids of his own. A daughter my age and a son who was my sisters age. His wife died suddenly has well. On the face of it, he seemed to be a perfect match for my mother. At least that's what most folks though who were involved. They were setup by a mutual friend from Indy who also had relatives in El Paso. Dated for a very short time and boom, were married.
My mother of course was really looking for financial stability. She was not the strongest person in the world and needed a man to help her.
MF as it turned out was just that, a MF. He wasn't physically abusive, at least not that much, but he WAS mentally abusive. To give you an example, he did not talk to my sister for two whole years. Not one fucking word. Imagine sitting around the dinner table at night and having him ask his daughter or son to ask my sister to pass the salt or pepper. It happened all the time.
He was constantly degrading and demeaning my sister, my mother and myself. He told my sister (When he was talking to her) that she would NEVER amount to anything and that no guy would EVER want to marry her. She wouldn't pass first grade school, then junior high, then high school, then she wouldn't get into college or graduate etc etc . You get the picture.
He saved a lot of his hatred and malice for yours truly.. No need to go into details here but suffice it to say, I pretty much tuned him out a very young age.
While all this was going on, he treated his own daughter like a princess. She could do no wrong. He had her on the highest pedestal there was. He treated his own son with major indifference at best.
My mother was always in there fighting and making sure that my sister and I received what we needed, along with my step-brother. Always. If my step-sister got something, she made damn sure that I got it also. She was always fighting with him.
Anyway, I was basically left on my own since I was around 4. Really, my detachment started in earnest when I was around 8. Since then, I HAVE been on my own in a very real sense, not just emotionally. Needless to say, I rebelled against everything. My school work suffered, I was in and out of trouble (Nothing major thank God) and was generally a lost person.
It's interesting, my sister handled him and the situation quite a bit differently. Maybe it's because she was older, I don't know. Instead of rebeling or turning inward and destructive, she set out to prove him completely wrong. If he said that she would or couldn't do something, she made it her main priority to do it. She eventually overcame everything he said. She got through grade, junior and high school. She got into college, she found a fantastic guy and got married. She now has a wonderful family. Two sons and a daughter. and three grand children.
She bascially rubbed MFs face in it across the board and he responded. In his later years he realized that she had beaten him and he actually had some respect for her. Although more so for her husband who was/is a Rabbi. I guess MF was brought up with SOME respect for religion and the Rabbinate in general.
I on the other hand went the other direction. Completely. To make a long story short, I am a completely self taught guy. I grew up very much in the school of hard knocks. Fortunatly for me, I'm a very bright guy and voracious reader. Always have been. Shoot, I used to read encyclopedias when I was kid. Cover to cover, A-Z.
I'm also very curious and if I don't know something, I will research and read and poke and prod and ask questions until I understand.
The good news is that the end result is something that I think both my real father and mother would be proud of.. I have a great job, make a good living, have a wonderful wife and nice house.
So, in my own kind of way, I feel that I too have rubbed his face in it and beaten him at his own game. It's a good feeling.
The rest of the baggage, both from my own fathers death and from MF, I think combined, make up the full Monkey.
There are probably some other aspects that contribute but I'm not sure.
So, there we are.. Up to date with everything on the table, pretty much. Next up, how do I pry this Monkey off of my back? How do I connection emotionally with people and myself again? How do I stop setting up walls to block things that DON'T need to be blocked? How can I learn to trust people when I never have?
Thanks as always for listening..
-tm
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
Ramblings of a disturbed mind...
|
Nov 29, 2005 7:27 am
1610 Views
|
I haven't posted much lately, been busy both at work and at home etc.
I have been reading many of your blogs though. Both the 'old timers' and the newbies. Reading the blogs out here on OP has become a routine for me that I very much enjoy. I'm not sure why, but my day just doesn't feel complete without them.
Maybe it's the voyeur in me? Maybe I'm just interested in hearing about other peoples lives and seeing how they cope with the trials and tribulations that we ALL share? Maybe I just like looking at the pics Probably a bit of everything compels me.
Either way, a couple of things that I've been noticing: It's interesting when I see people out here who say one thing, then turn around and say something completely different.
Perfect examples of this abound. I read blogs all the time where someone is lamenting the fact that he is lonely, looking for love, companionship and someone to be with in a committed relationship etc, decrying sex just for the sake of having sex, even going so far as to put down those of us who ARE out here just for sex, then turning around and posting an entry that is purely focused on.... you guessed it, sex..
Maybe guys ARE just strange animals. I know I am. We are SOOO much different than woman that sometimes it astounds me.
The sexual urge in me can be and often times is, almost completely divorced from my emotional side. Yes I respect the guys I'm with, yes I enjoy pleasing them just as much as I enjoy getting off myself but in reality, I'm not looking for any kind of emotional bonding or commitment. I'm looking for a hard dick and a sexual mate.. Period. Instant gratification. I do respect my partners has human beings and as friends but that's about it. I'm not looking for a committed, LTR, I already have that.
Of course, some will flame be for not being open and honest with my wife about by 'gayness'. I understand how it looks and I also understand that my actions are certainly NOT the ideal onto which a committed long term relationship is based, at least in most peoples eyes. We all are different, each relationship is different, I and I alone will be the judge and jury on this topic.
I know I know, it's cold and cruel for me to think this way. But at least I'm up front about it and consistent Please, be honest with yourselves. How many of you actually feel the same exact way out here? I'd bet 90%+ of those who are bisexual married guys out here are nodding their heads yes, while the true gay men here are about ready to flame me.
This I think, is the heart of the often times heated debate between those out here who identify themselves as bi versus those that are gay. (Note, I certainly did NOT mean to bring up this old topic yet again, it's just kind of happened. Sorry
That being said, I see lot's of gay guys out here who are lonely, searching for a true and loving relationship, waiting and yearning for a companion but also willing to set all of that aside for sex. Plain and simple.
Once again, the sexual urges inside ALL of us come to the fore and take over. I've said it many times, women need a reason, men just need a place. Our dicks rule our lives MANY MANY times.
Another observation I find interesting, are those that I see out here who have a VERY high opinion of themselves and their dicks. Like we all should just drop everything we're doing and be willing to kneel and bow to their incredible manhood. Sheesh. Lighten up guys. You can get more bees with honey
OK, enough ranting, now some heartfelt words about myself.
Those of you who followed my blog know that I've been struggling with what looks to be a life long depression caused initially at least, by the death of my father, at a very young age. (3 months old)
Having grown up without a father and having developed every trick in the book that allows me to NOT face what I call the 'Monkey' I have finally embarked on a concerted and truthful effort to smack the 'Monkey' and get it off of my back, finally!!
I've been seeing a counselor/therapist who a) is very nice and very good, b) I trust her, c) I'm ready to talk and work on this.
Originally my wife and I started to see her together in order to work on whatever mutual relationship issues and problems we had.
After a number of sessions, we all realized that the problems were not so much with 'us' but really, there were issues that each one of us needed to address individually. (My wife is working on her own with the same counselor) While these issues are our own, they do effect our relationship.
I have another appointment with her today. We will work further on prying the 'Monkey' off of my back. I'm also toying with the idea of telling my counselor about my sexual activities, OP and my bisexual side. I'll let you all know about this later on.
Thanksgiving is over and the holiday season is in full swing. I'm finding it much harder to find/schedule partners during this period. Everyone is so busy with family and friends. It's amazing how wrapped up we all get in this season.
Being Jewish myself, I have always kind of been an outsider looking in during this time of year. Growing up Jewish during the 'holidays' is a lesson in exclusion which almost every little Jewish kid goes through.
Hence the reason Chanukah has been raised to such importance, at least in the minds of Christians, the media and certainly the retailers.
Chanukah, while certainly one of the most recognized Jewish holidays by non-Jews, is a relatively minor holiday in the Jewish calendar. It's a holiday that commemorates an actual historical event.
The act of giving presents on Chanukah has really no relationship to the actual holiday itself. Chanukah is the feast of lights. Lighting the Menorah IS the only real activity prescribed by Jewish law/dogma.
The tradition of gift giving, especially in this country, is more rooted in the need for little Jewish kids to feel better about themselves while watching all of the Christians celebrating Christmas.
In actuality, frying up potato latkes has more of a real connection and actually symbolism related directly to Chanukah then any gift giving could possibly have.
Ok, enough on the holidays and religion in general for now
Don't you just LOVE the first snow fall of the year? As long as I can remember, I have. For some reason, I get soooo excited, just like a little kid, whenever we get the first 2, 3, 4 inches of snow. I just love it.
I also love getting up early in the morning and finding a good overnight snow has fallen. The world just seems so peaceful. The snow is untrammeled and almost virginal.
This is especially true on Christmas and New Years morning. The typical background sounds that permeate our daily lives are gone on those two mornings. (Really, it's only those two mornings) No traffic on the roads, very few airplanes over head etc etc. All you can hear is the wind whispering through the trees, the occasional dog barking, maybe a bird or two.
It's very peaceful and quiet.. I look forward to those two mornings every year and I make sure to get up early just so I can appreciate them..
Try it sometime.
Peace to all!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
To link to this blog (tazzerman2000) use [blog tazzerman2000] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
11
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
81
|
91
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
141
|
151
|
161
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
211
|
221
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
301
|
|
|
