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Obsessions and sexual binging.
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May 2, 2006 5:26 am
1551 Views
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I am very much an obsessive/compulsive person. No matter what I do, I ALWAYS do it 150% percent if not more.
This holds true at work, my home/yard, hobbies and of course sex.
Those of you who have followed my blogs from the beginning should know exactly what I'm talking about. You all have witnessed a classic case of sexual binging.
Why am I so obsessive? I'm not sure.
I think part of it is my own internal need for acceptance both from myself and from those around me. I also look to validate my own being, a lot.
A lot of this stems from that Monkey I used to talk about along with my own childhood and upbringing.
Yes, it's yet again another whiny blog about how bad my childhood was.... (Sucked you right into it didn't I? (No pun intended))
Here's a brief synopsis: My father died when I was 3 months old leaving my mother to care for me and my 8 year old sister. She remarried 4 years later and we all moved to Indy.
The man she married, in short, was the devil incarnate.. He wasn't physically abusive for the most part but he was VERY mentally abusive to everyone. This abuse took many many different forms over the years the end result of which left me feeling emotionally abandoned among many other things.
I've been on my own in a very real sense since around the age of 10-11. Maybe not physically, but emotionally for sure.
I did NOT have anyone to turn to, any one to nurture or provide any real, meaningful emotional support for me. My mother tried, rest her soul, but it was beyond her capabilities. Besides, she had a hard enough time with the mental abuse that heaped upon her.
The end result was a young boy/man who was in DESPERATE need of validation and acceptance.
I still am.
This is the huge gaping hole that is inside of me that unfortunately, time after time after time, I choose to fill with 'bad' things instead of good.
Why I do that is something I'm working on right now.
I really have no core beliefs other than the subliminal need for acceptance however, that is interesting since I tend to do things that cause me to NOT receive the real acceptance that I crave so much. Go figure huh? I'm just one major fucked up mess aren't I?
It's interesting that I've been able to function in life at such a very high level. Sometimes I do wonder what I could have accomplished if I had a more normal childhood. One full of nurturing, love, security, acceptance and validation?
Well, as my wife say, get over it. I'm 48 years old and all of that is in the past. But she never has understood and I don't think that she ever will, these things, even though they occurred 40+ years ago, still haunt me. They still effect me in virtually every way.
It's interesting, I'm pretty much a self taught person. School never really held my attention even though it would have been a perfect place for me to receive at least some of the validation I so long for. I unfortunately used it more for rebellion then anything else. Looking back, I wish I had done this one thing differently.
Luckily for me at least, I have ALWAYS been a voracious reader. Always. From the time I was just a pup to this day, I read and read and read.
When I was younger, I read the World Book Encyclopedia, A to Z, cover to cover three times.
I was always reading. You name it. From classics to crap. Literally anything I could get my hands on.
Ok, enough of that. See, there I go again, looking for validation and acceptance. I'm pathetic you know that?
This need for validation and acceptance in part, drove me to Adult FriendFinder and OP and to men. It is why, in large part, I spend the time writing this blog.
Then there's that giant dark hole in my soul that I tend to fill with bad things. Maybe I'm punishing myself? Maybe I'm trying to take out my deep seated anger and frustration in the only way I've ever known how to? On myself?
These are questions for those much more knowledgeable than I. Of course, I have started reading books on these subjects to see if I can make some sense out of..... me....
Time will tell.
Thanks again for listening.
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Pornography anyone?
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Apr 29, 2006 5:23 am
1933 Views
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I have a question, how many of you guys are addicted to pornography? I am and have been for years. Starting with Playboy, progressing to Hustler then onto the Internet, I was hooked early on and have never stopped.
Shoot, one of the things that attracted me to OP where all the wonderful cock shots. It's easy to spend hours and hours viewing all of the profiles and pics, my imagination and libido going wild.
How much influence does porn have over you? Can you take that even further and say something to the effect that porn helped 'launch' you into this lifestyle or at least contributed to your desire for men?
I know it did for me. Even watching regular/hetro porn, I was amazed and enthralled by the not only the women but the guys and their massive cocks.
It was and continues to be the 'pilot light' that stokes my sexual desires.
Well, in all honesty, it's one of a few 'pilot lights'.
Those of you who have read my blog know that I'm a major foot fetish (Womens feet only). Just the sight of a beautiful pair of womens feet is enough to stoke the flame for me...
It is somewhat pathetic if you think about it.
I would LOVE to hear you thoughts.. Be honest here. How much influence does porn have over you? Did it influence you into being gay or bi? Does it stoke your 'flame' like it does mine? What would happen if all of the sudden there was no more porn?
-Alan
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Sex Therapy (Update)
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Apr 28, 2006 12:42 pm
1609 Views
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Well, I had my initial meeting with the sex therapist recommended by our marriage counselor.
He seems like a nice enough guy. Time will tell.
This was the initial 'evaluation' so most of the information/discussion came from me.
He has recommended that I purchase and read:
Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.
Has anyone here read this book? If so, any thoughts? Worthwhile, good, bad, indifferent??
His initial assessment was not surprising in the least. Obviously, over the years I've used porn etc to help stoke my sexual fantasies and 'fire' so to speak. Yes, Budbama, he did use the term Sexual Addict.
The harder/hardest questions have yet to come although I'm sure they will.
The hardest being of course, do I REALLY want to change and/or give up my current sex life.
This is a question that I struggle with daily.
In a nutshell, the only thing that is really forcing me to think about it is the situation with my wife and my love for her coupled with my desire to remain married to her. If for no other reason, that alone should (I hope) be enough to break me... Of course this means a complete and total suppression of ALL of my sexual urges towards anyone (man or woman) other than my wife.
Time will tell heh? I am after all one major stubborn bitch..
Stay tuned....
As a sidelight, I hope, if nothing else, this journal of my 'quest' and now my attempt to regain my wife and my life will maybe serve as an inspiration and even a helpful guide to others out here who may find themselves in the same situation. Reading everything I've written from beginning to end is certainly and long, strange trip.. (Sorry Jerry)
Who knows, maybe I'll take my entire blog and all of it's posts and use them as the basis of a book. Something that guys, just like me/us can read and maybe utilize, to help come to grips with their lives, sexuality and desires etc.
So maybe there can be some good that comes out of all of this. Who knows right?
As always, I remain optimistic, hopeful and open, especially to any thoughts and comments that you guys might have.
Peace, -Alan
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Sex Therapy....
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Apr 28, 2006 5:52 am
1477 Views
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Well, today ought to be interesting.
My wife and our counselor have requested that I see a sex therapist and since I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, I have agreed.
Today's the day...
This should be one VERY interesting conversation.. Ya think??  This poor guy is going to attempt to descend into the depths of the ol Tazzermans sexually mutated brain....
As always, I plan on being brutally honest and up front with this guy. I will tell him everything.
I bet he ends up with enough material to write a book about the ol' Tazzerman.....
All I can say is this, for what he charges, I better get a percentage of that book and the movie too... LOL
Stay tuned for an update this afternoon.
Luv ya all
-Alan
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Wednesday afternoon funnies...
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Apr 26, 2006 1:27 pm
1537 Views
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This one kind of caught me by surprise! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
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Relationship update.
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Apr 26, 2006 6:21 am
1507 Views
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Good morning to all you wonderful guys out here in OP Blogland, especially those of you who I consider my loyal readers and friends.
Getting right to the point, today is our (my wife and my) 14th wedding anniversary.
14 years of marriage. Amazing huh?
Of course, things are nowhere near 'normal' as I'm sure you can understand. After coming out and 'confessing' to my wife, both my bisexuality and my infidelity, we have both been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since.
We have been seeing our marriage counselor but unfortunately, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will be undergoing first chemo therapy, then a full mastectomy radiation treatments. The end result is that she will not be available for us in the traditional, face to face way.
We are however communicating via emails on a regular basis and I hope that we can continue to do so throughout her ordeal. It helps....
At my wife's insistence, I went in for a blood test, just to make sure that I had not picked up any STDs. The good news there is that I'm 'clean and green' Thank GOD.
Further, the wife and our counselor both want me to see a sex therapist. I have agreed and have made an appointment for this coming Friday. Stay tuned for an update on this 'cause it should be VERY interesting to say the least. Maybe I can find some answers to all those questions I posted the other day?
Getting back to our anniversary, at first my wife was very reluctant to even acknowledge it let alone 'celebrate' our 14 years together.
I can understand how she feels but I also think that we need to. It has been 14 years of mostly joy and love and I really don't see any reason at this point to forget that.
She obviously doesn't feel the same way BUT she has come around a bit. She made a very interesting comment the other day, something to the effect that everyone is allowed one big mistake in their life. There have been other comments that lead me to believe that while she will never forget or completely forgive me, she does still love me and is willing to get past this..
Of course, yours truly WANTS to remain in this relationship and marriage with her. So hopefully, on that basis, we will in fact be able to work it out.
Things have gotten a bit better of late. At least the crying as subsided, for the most part. She still does get angry at me every once and a while but she also knows that I am trying and doing everything she asks.
Like I said, our anniversary is today. At first it looked like we were not going to do anything to celebrate it, then I realized that SHE was waiting for ME to acknowledge it and to actively do SOMETHING to celebrate.. (I guess it's a test)
Well, those of you who have followed my blog know that the ol Tazzerman is definitely 'up' for this. Just check out my Valentines Day blog..
So tonight, I've rented a stretch limo to pick us up at our home and take us downtown to one of the most romantic restaurants in town...
In the limo I will have a bottle of champagne and a huge bunch of gorgeous flowers.
On the advice of a good friend of mine, I've tried to do this anniversary completely different than others in the past. We will NOT go to our 'normal' place, I'm not giving her a bunch of roses as I normally would etc etc.
Everything different in an attempt to start with a new/clean slate.
I'm looking at this anniversary as both the 14th and the 1st.
I hope she does to....
Wish me luck
-tm
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Sexual desire and orientation.
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Apr 24, 2006 7:48 am
1587 Views
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Good morning all. Sorry about the length of this post but I have a LOT to discuss today.
I am currently struggling with trying to answer the many questions that my wife has regarding WHY I cheated on her. In addition, she is struggling to understand why I cheated on her with men specifically.
She wants to know if I am gay and I tell her no, I'm bisexual.
Needless to say, she is having a very difficult time with the whole concept of bisexuality and pretty much has it in her brain that once a guy has been with another guy, he's gay. Period, case closed.
I've made a few feeble attempts at explaining to her that I AM bisexual and that while I do enjoy having sex with men, I also enjoy having sex with woman. It hasn't helped.
Using the old tried and true scale where 1 is totally gay and 10 is totally hetro, I've told her that I fall somewhere around a 6 or 7.
She just does NOT get it. Of course, she has always been a very black and white type of person so this doesn't really surprise me.
Bisexuality is nothing if it's not totally gray in nature...
Thinking about how to respond to her and then further pondering my own sexuality has led me directly back to some of the most fundamental questions concerning human sexuality. (My own specifically of course)
Why are some people completely hetro, some folks completely gay and yet others bisexual or even trisexual??
Why do some people have very large sexual desires while others have very low or non-existent?
Why are some folks turned on by what society in general would deem to be outside of the mainstream or normally accepted realm of sexual practice?
How in the world do you describe your sexual desire and orientation to someone who doesn't understand or worse, is disgusted by even the THOUGHT of homosexuality?
I know these questions have been asked in many ways and many places over the total of mankind's existence on this planet and I certainly do NOT expect us here on OP to answer them conclusively but I thought that this might actually be a forum where if it's possible, some questions might be answered.. At least partly huh?
Lord knows there have been many attempts to provide answers to these questions but ALL fall short as far as I can see.
All the 'big brains' of the medical profession, all the deep thinkers through the ages, all of the writers, pundits and researchers never seem to really get
Why do some men (or women) enjoy having sex with partners of the same sex? Further, what compels some people to enjoy having sex with BOTH sexes?
What drives these desires?
I have often said that I was curious about guys for virtually my entire life but that really only scratches the surface of my sexuality and sexual identity. Yes, I was curious but at the same time, I truly enjoyed (and still do) having sex with women...
But in actuality, my curiosity about men was really focused on and better stated as a curiosity about cocks.
Some of that curiosity stemmed from deep seated insecurities regarding my own cock... Not having a real male roll model while growing up also fueled the 'fire' so to speak because I had no one to talk to or ask questions of. No one to explain things to me or assure me that I was 'normal'.
That being said, one of the 'upside' to this situation was that I also had no one to ingrain any kind of 'homophobia' into me either.
The end result was that I always felt a bit bashful in group settings, especially in locker rooms or bathrooms and VERY unsure of myself. Of course that never really stopped me from being sexually active which I was from a very young age. (12 years old)
Beyond that though, there are/were much deeper forces at work within me. It's NOT just that I was curious about men or cocks, I have always been very active, open and involved. In my single years I was very active and looked for female partners who were also active and willing to explore and try things. Of course drugs and alcohol played a large part but looking back, so did pornography.. At first it was magazines then of course movies.. Then the internet and things REALLY took off.
I'm a firm believer that porn swung open the doors for me in a HUGE way and influenced (and still does) how I feel and view sex.
I doubt seriously that I would have been anywhere near as sexually active or willing to explore if it hadn't been for pornography.
I probably would have NEVER had that level of 'curiosity' that I had about other mens dicks.
Seriously..
Think about your OWN life and sexual desires. What fuels them? What started it? Where did the images that we ALL carry around in our brains about what turns us on or doesn't turn us on come from? What about just plain old TV or movies?
Are we NOT bombarded on a daily basis, particularly in the country, by sex?
Even here on OP, the pictures that most of us post are those that are MEANT to arouse, one way or the other. Either we post pics of our cocks or other body parts that we see as sexy in hopes of attracting somebody.
It's the same on most of the 'sex sites'.
I think that the environment that you grew up in, not just that which your parents may have created for you but the ENTIRE environment plays a HUGE role in determining your sexual orientation, outlook, desires and needs/wants.
I am a foot fetish. Where the heck did THAT come from? The vast majority of people on this planet do NOT find feet particularly sexy or attractive. I on the other hand do. I get a major turn on from seeing beautiful womens feet.
I could and have, spent hours playing with girls feet in very sexual/sensuous ways. I love to lick and suck them, I love to have a woman play with my cock using her feet. I love the way they look and smell and taste and feel. It's overwhelming sometimes, really.
Like I said, where did THAT come from?
Maybe I have somewhat of an answer..
When I was younger and first started jacking off, I did NOT jack off in the normal way. I used to rub my cock along the inside arch of my foot. Side to side until I came. I spent many years jacking off in just that way.
Now, was it because I was turned on by feet from birth that let me to jack off like that or did my foot fetish actually start BECAUSE I jacked off like that? In other words, did I somehow, internally, equate feet with my cock with orgasm and viola! a foot fetish was born?
I'm not sure I can answer that. But I do know this, my foot fetish was DEFINITELY reinforced by various porn sites and magazines dedicated to womens feet.
I can remember the very first time I stumbled across a porn magazine devoted entirely to womens feet. I could NOT believe it. You mean there are OTHERS out there just like ME??
It did reinforce what I already felt and over the years, that reenforcement has been there, albeit, now on the internet.
Are these same forces at work regarding me and cocks?
I know a lot of people think/say that we are somehow 'preprogrammed' from birth or have some kind of genetic disposition towards being homosexual, well to be honest with you, I personally don't believe it. I do believe that the we born with a need for sex in the sense that we are actually animals and ALL animals need to eat and need to reproduce. These are primal urges common in all life forms.
You would have a very hard time convincing me that this 'primal urge' to reproduce that we ALL are born with cares one hoot whether we fuck a girl, boy, goat, horse or sheep. We has males of the species have a NEED hardwired inside of us to deposit our seeds. I really don't think that the 'primal urge' goes much beyond that...
So, what OTHER environmental factors are at play helping to shape and decide our orientation and what in fact turns us on?
How about breast feeding? We all know there is such a thing as 'imprinting'. If we as young children are breast fed, doesn't kind of set the stage for us to have a life long desire to suck on womens breasts??
If that's true, then where the hell does the desire to suck on another mans COCK come from?
I sometimes think that a better description of my sexual orientation would be Asexual. Not male or female but actually both.
Here's a further question and one that I never have quite understood.... A lot of women that I've talked to over the years who really DO NOT like gay men, never the less perform the same exact sex acts as a gay man. They LOVE to suck cocks, just like we do. So why the difference then? Why is ok for women to suck cock but NOT for men? (and of course the opposite is true, why is it ok for men to eat pussy but not women?)
Maybe we're all looking at this the wrong way.
Maybe we all come out of the womb bisexual or at least, not with a 'preprogrammed' orientation.. Once out, environmental and societal forces take over and shape our desires and our orientations...
If you look at non-human animals in the wild, they have no problems with their sexuality. Most, at least from what I've observed, could or should be deemed bisexual or asexual. Why would humans be ANY different?
In my case, did the lack of a male role model in my life, stop the typical learned orientation that the vast majority of men on this planet go through?
Like I said, more questions than answers here. I am VERY much looking forward to your comments on these subjects.. Maybe we can all help each other to understand...
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Monday morning funnies.
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Apr 24, 2006 6:02 am
1470 Views
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Good morning gents, guys, tg's and all others.
I hope your having a great Monday morning? As far as the ol' Tazzerman, well, it's still day by day.
I started my Monday morning/week off with a regularlly scheduled trip to the dentist. Fun fun fun...
I NEED a laugh and this one fills the bill. enjoy.
Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!
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Where are you from?
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Apr 21, 2006 6:06 am
1958 Views
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I saw this question on another blog/site and thought that it was fun and interesting. The responses were really kind of cool.
Hopefully, you guys respond as much/well
Me, I was born in El Paso TX of all places. People are VERY surprised to hear that about me especially when you consider that I am VERY Jewish, have somewhat of a NY attitude and even sometimes accent and now live in Indianapolis.
As a lot of you already know, my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack when I was just 3 months old. This left my mother with an eight year old daughter, a three month old son and a business to run.
She did what she could for four years and was finally introduced to a man from Indianapolis by some mutual friends.
They married and we moved to Indy.
I've lived in lots of places over the years, including overseas but Indy has always been home.
My second home has always been Miami. I spent a huge amount of my childhood growing up there. Virtually every single vacation you would find me with my aunt and uncle in Miami Beach. I kind of grew up with that city and it does and will ALWAYS hold a very special place in my heart.
My third home is Cinncinati OH. I have a long history with Cincy mainly because my sister went to school at UC (Along with my brother in-law and one of my nephews) My sister also lived there for a while after she graduated. My wife also lived there for a few years and we both still have friends and relatives who are there.
It's funny, you would think with all of the bad memories I have of living here in Indy with the 'rat bastard' the last place in the WORLD I'd call home is Indy but that's just not the case.
It's not the same for my sister though. The bad memories she has preclude her from literally even stepping foot in this town. She hates it and it holds nothing but bad feelings for her.
I on the other hand, love this town and the people here are as friendly and nice as you can find anywhere. Maybe even more so.
Indy is a medium sized city that has both a very small town feel to it along with a huge number of big city ammenities.
Of course, there's no ocean, or mountains or other physical features to recommend it. It's always kind of been stuck out here in the middle of the corn fields in a place where, by rights, no city should even exist. That's part of it's charm. Go figure huh?
Anyway, that's where I'm from... How about you?
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Wednesday funnies :)
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Apr 19, 2006 12:50 pm
1623 Views
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This one is from a friend. (Thanks M
Too funny!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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To link to this blog (tazzerman2000) use [blog tazzerman2000] in your messages.
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